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Friday, 5 May 2017

Before it's over...

I found out I was pregnant in November, that seems forever ago now. I feel like I've been pregnant for the longest time and I still have ten weeks to go. Yet, unlike my first pregnancy I have never wished forward the weeks. I've been excited to reach milestones, yes, but I've never wanted the weeks to hurry. 

I've been feeling a strange kind of feeling the last few weeks. With now only 11 weeks until we meet our baby, I can see the end is near. My heart skips a beat with excitement and anticipation when I think about holding our sweet little girl but I also feel overwhelmed with sadness. 

Despite having the risks my diabetes brings to this baby and my pregnancy, I love being pregnant. From the moment I conceived, both times, I felt different. Special. Like I was in a bubble. It's hard to explain, unless you've felt it too. People say that I'm glowing, and I dont think it's necessarily in the physical sense, but more an aura, I feel like my feet are half an inch of the ground. I'm proud of my body, I love what my body is doing, I love that growing tummy, I just love being pregnant. But of course, loving pregnancy this much, means I miss it all the more when it's over.

I remember as a little girl, imaging having a baby in my tummy one day. Laying in bed pushing my tummy out and imagining what it would be like. With Freddie's pregnancy I was so anxious, unsure and impatient I don't feel i embraced it enough, if I cherished it enough. 

You see, the reason I'm so emotional about this is I know this will be my last pregnancy. Even writing that gives me such a huge pang. Almost like I'm mourning that I will never be pregnant again. 

I know it seems so final to hear a 24 year old say that this is their last baby. I know it won't be easy. Having my babies young means so many friends will be having babies in the next 10 years, I'll have done the baby thing and I will undoubtedly find myself painfully broody. If I could be pregnant and not have a baby then I would do that, but I know we only want two children. For many reasons, many practical, costs are a huge factor, we want to be able to give our children the world, I never want to say sorry you can't go on the ski trip. I know we can more than comfortable afford two children and having funds to give them the opportunities, Holidays, bedrooms and yes material things in life is really important to us. I know many won't agree, I think saying that will probably be frowned upon by many, but hey, we can't agree on everything can we! I also want to have plenty of time to concentrate on us as a family. The bigger the family the bigger the workload, washing etc. I know that sounds a ridiculous reason for only wanting two children but Something that is something I genuinely consider. I have to think about my health and wellbeing too, I find motherhood incredible, I was born to be a mum, but it's hard, I know things will be hard with two, although twice the reward and twice the love.  Two is just perfect for us. 

But the main reason, the reason behind the front of 'washing piles and cost of holidays, is a harder one to bare. Diabetes and pregnancy come with risks. Those risks are reduced with me being younger but they are still there, hanging over me. I hate that my diabetes has decided for me how many children I will or won't have. We have been so lucky, my first pregnancy was pretty smooth, we expected Freddie to be taken to special care after birth as 95% of babies born to diabetic mothers are, but he didn't. He was born in perfect condition, with no effects from my diabetes apart from being a big 8lb 6 at 38 weeks. We asked ourselves a million times if we were wrong to consider a second child. The medical teams have no issue with us wanting a second but I tormented myself. What if we weren't lucky this time, what if a newbaby did suffer complications, what if I did. I need to be well for Freddie. Should we be grateful for one healthy child and be happy? But I knew I didn't want him as an only child. The pros outweighed the cons and if we are lucky enough to repeat our last experience and bring home our baby girl healthy and happy then we have achieved our goal. Quite honestly I don't know if I could go through the angst again, from the detailed scans we had in London we have the all clear that baby girl hasn't got any heart condtions caused by me being type 1 diabetic, the relief was immense. But I don't want to risk it again. 

I am so happy to be a family of 4, and I don't see us with 3 children, I used too, and I love 3 children families, I was one in three, I love how a family of 5 looks in a photo (is that weird) but I know this is my last baby. Despite being happy with being a four I still can't shake this sadness that I most likely will never be pregnant again.

How do I cherish it? I want to savour every moment? My weekly bump pictures and updates on the blog will be so wonderful to look back on, and I know I will cherish them. 

As I lay here in bed, it's gone midnight and baby girl has woken for her nightly round of Zumba. It's dark with only the light of my phone. The boys are snoring softly beside me but apart from their soft snores it's silent. Only I know baby girl is awake. Only I know what she's doing. I stroke my hand across my tummy and she kicks back in response just as she has since 19 weeks. I can feel a knee or an elbow rolling to my right side. There is a magic to growing a baby inside you. The wonder, what will they look like, will she have hair. The excitement of picking out names, buying little vests and choosing sheets for the cot. All the exciting milestones, the scans, the announcements, the packing of the hospital bag, the leaving home with an empty car seat. It's such a beautiful time. I wish there was a way I could bottle the feeling. Bottle the feeling of her moving under my palm in the quiet of night. 

I guess we could change our minds, you never know what the future holds. But there will always be a last pregnancy, I think this is my last and I want to treasure every moment, before it's over. 

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