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Thursday, 14 January 2016

How did we get here?

Snuggled up in bed I just had to get my laptop out. I needed to write.

As I sit here I am feeling so many emotions, sitting at the surface, ready to spill out.

I feel so guilty.  Since having Freddie guilty seems to be my favourite new emotion.  I feel guilty that I let life get in the way of recording Freddie's milestones on this blog.  One minute I am writing his 6 month update and then bam, here I am with an (almost) 14 month old.  Of course I have literally thousands of photos from the last 7 months, but I still feel it isnt enough.  I want to go back and relive every day.

Do you ever look back at photos of those first few days, weeks, months and feel like you cant remember? I get these amazing 'timehop' photos of my gorgeous squishy baby, but I just cant remember.  When I look back everything is such a blur.  A blur of amazing, exhausting moments and everything inbetween.  I see photos of a girl cradling my newborn and I don't recognise her. It is me, but I am a different person now. A women. A mum. I cant remember what it was like being her anymore.

I worry that I didn't take enough photos, videos or that I didn't write enough in his baby book and then the wave of guilt comes again.  But I guess at the time I was just in survival mode. Trying to survive a baby who choked until he went blue at every feed, a baby I couldn't breastfeed like I had dreamed. I guess getting the camera out when I was crying on the floor wasn't top of my agenda and I guess beautiful newborn Instagram photos just isn't always real life.

Everyone tells you 'it goes so fast'. Well bloody hell they are'nt joking are they. The 38 weeks I was pregnant felt like 38 years but the second our bundles are born time some fucker presses fast forward and ten minutes later here I am with a toddler, still telling people I am a 'new mum' and that I have 'just' had a baby, because to me that's true.I still feel like I am looking in a pitch dark room, for an unknown object.

The thought of Freddie growing anymore brings tears to my eyes.  please don't grow any more, stay as my tiny baby forever. But that's the funny thing about motherhood isn't it, we want them to stay small, but we also want them to grow and we burst with pride as they reach the next milestone. It is such a strange experience. sadness, joy and excitement all at the same time.

At school if I made a mistake in my workbook, I would rip it out and start again.  I hate making mistakes, I like everything to be perfect.  Unfortunately, motherhood doesn't come with a perfect option, but I do sometimes wish I could 'start over'.  I would get more things right. But maybe getting it wrong was all part of it. We are learning every day together and maybe that's what keeps our bond so very tight. 

So as I come to the end of my ramblings, I want to say thank you to my darling Freddie William.  Thank you for giving me so much joy for 14 months.  You have taught me so much about myself and I cannot imagine our lives without you in it. I have grown into a mother and you have grown into a beautiful little boy.  I am so lucky to have been at home every day with you since before you were even born and I will be forever grateful for these wonderful days we share.  Some days I feel like I want to give up, parenting is too hard and I get fed up with feeling like a cleaner. I miss the days when my nails were always done, I miss my slim body and sometimes I miss the old me.  But one look from your cheeky little face, everytime you shout mama in your funny little french accent, every time you grab my hand with your chubby little fingers, I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be.  At home, with you and daddy and I know the only job for me is being the best mum I can be to you.  You make me so proud and so overwhelmingly happy even on the hardest of days and I thank you so much for that.

1 comment :

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